Analyze Why Love is pain!
Does love hurt?
Love is a pain. Does love hurt? Or is love painful? Well, a month back, we were a few unknown people grouped for a particular project related to the election. Let us analyze why love is pain.
The project was for just 2 weeks, and we were 10 people, of whom 7 were girls. Of course, all of us were qualified enough for that. Though few of us were very young, particularly girls, what I noticed was that they were really mature compared to their age, and they were very vocal about their problems, even relationship matters.
I always complain about myself that I am never serious and more of a child-like behavior. I am really fascinated and amused by the way they speak about their relationship, love lives, and even about their partners before everyone.
I like the gesture. , I have seen people, being in love, do dubious things under the carpet, and when things go out of hand or the relationship starts slipping away, they begin to think about what they did.
But in this case, these youngsters dare to accept in public that we’re in a relationship, and this is good or a bad thing. As I have moved from that phase and had a lot of problems back home, I had little time to take note of that. So, those problems were keeping me occupied.
But my colleagues were very supportive despite our differences. We used to discuss everything.
Somebody raised the issue of whether love is painful. Most of them were of the view that love is painful and depressing. I disagreed. I am always of the opinion that you can’t generalize on the basis that something isn’t working for you.
Yes, there are failures in love and relationship matters, but to say that love is painful can’t be accepted. Failures exist in every aspect of life. Then, my spiritual inspiration Osho says, that love is the very basis of the materialistic world.
Without love, there’s no meaning to life
Absolutely, without love, there’s no meaning to life. One person was very critical of me from the first day of the project. I don’t know why she was doing that. I used to be critical of people and myself, but someone was so critical of me that I first saw. Whatever logic I used to put forward, she was just running down.
In the first place, I tried to avoid, but later on, when things started to get worse, I said, “Why are you so critical of my argument? You have a successful ongoing relationship; still, you are talking negatively about love.”
It made her more furious, and she started to scold me. I was just laughing because of her desperation. Thank god, another girl came to rescue and cleared the air.
These things have no meaning; the issue is whether love comes out to be painful. The answer is that love is never painful, and love is beautiful and gratifying. The truth is that rejection or not maintaining uniformity in love hurts.
When you’re talking about rejection, the same thing happens in a job interview. Nobody talks about that. Perhaps, we are so emotionally involved in love matters that when it tends to be on a rocky path, we find it really hard to digest.
I believe what my spiritual inspiration, Osho, says about love. There are two things ego and freedom, that are deeply involved with love, knowingly and unknowingly. Most of us tend to overlook. When ego dominates love, it no longer remains love.
Then, love prospers where there’s the utmost freedom. But we shouldn’t be too philosophical. We should keep things simple, and we shouldn’t be too possessive beyond a point. Love transforms us and helps us to be mature.
Root Causes: Why Love is Pain
The feeling that love hurts is pervasive because the intensity of the emotion makes us uniquely vulnerable. Unlike the pain of a job rejection, the pain of a romantic loss is felt in the core of our emotional and even physical being. The analysis you provided outlines several factors that transform connection into suffering:
Burden of Unrealistic Expectations
You note that love is painful primarily because people place too many expectations on the emotion. When we enter a relationship, we often carry a script that is a fantasy of the perfect partner, the ideal future, or a “happily ever after” that is immune to conflict.
Destroyed Dreams
When a partner walks away, the deepest cut is often the destruction of the shared dreams and goals and the imagined future that ceases to exist. This shattering of a carefully constructed reality leaves one feeling empty and alone.
Myth of Perfection
The pain of reality sets in when we are forced to take the “blinders off” and accept that our partner is not the hero we envisioned. Perfection is unattainable, and the disappointment that follows the waning of infatuation can be profoundly painful.
Lack of Control and Reciprocity
A relationship involves two independent wills, and the lack of control over the other person’s emotions is a major source of anxiety and pain.
Fear of the Unknown
The fear associated with the future worrying if a partner’s feelings might fade or if the relationship will progress is a direct result of surrendering control to another person’s choices. This apprehension itself can be painful.
Unreciprocated Feelings
Pain is guaranteed if you love with the expectation that the feelings will be reciprocated with the same intensity. When one partner is “not as enthusiastic” or gives less, the other is left hurting from the imbalance.
Psychological and Physical Withdrawal
The sensation of “love hurts” is not just psychological; it has a physiological basis. The brain releases chemicals associated with pleasure and bonding when we are with our partner.
Addictive Quality
For some, this chemical process can border on addiction, where the idea of not seeing the partner brings actual physical discomfort or pain.
The Withdrawal Effect
When a wonderful time ends, the body goes through a process that feels like withdrawal, a craving for the interaction that can manifest as pain until the body readjusts.
Internal Conflict and Personal Flaws
Sometimes, the pain in love is not caused by the partner but by what the relationship reflects to us about ourselves.
Self-Doubt and Confusion
A relationship can trigger confusion about whether a mate is truly the ideal partner, leading to self-doubt. This uncertainty causes pain for both individuals.
Projecting Baggage
Individuals often ask, “Why does love hurt?” when they are blamed for the baggage their partner carries—past rejection, trauma, or old wounds—which is then projected onto the current relationship.
Life Lessons
The hurts and failures often serve as life lessons, recognized only after a breakup. These are “strengthening opportunities” that help us grow and mature, but the process of learning them is inherently painful.
